My brother-in-law’s battle recent battle with cancer afforded our family an exercise in talking to our children about some pretty hard issues.
We learned a lot throughout the process as we talked to our children about prayer, faith, and death.
After hearing that Darryl was diagnosed with cancer, we began praying for him along with our children. They were aware that he was sick and never let us forget to pray.
We prayed for him every morning before we began homeschool and we prayed every night before bed.
As his condition grew worse, we began to talk to them about praying for God’s will over our own. This happened around the same time that one of our girls began questioning, “I’ve been praying every day, but he’s not getting any better. Why not?” We talked to them about how sometimes God has a different plan, but His plan is always better than our own.
We were able to guide our children, especially our six year old girls, though the process of praying for a loved one and grieving their loss in a positive and healthy.
Here are some of the lessons we learned throughout the process.
Don’t be Afraid to Talk About Hard Things
You are your child’s best guide on how to handle issues that arise. Don’t be afraid to talk to them about the hard issues that you are facing in life. Allow them to come to you with their questions and concerns rather than ignoring them and hoping they will go away…they won’t.
Be Honest
We learned that the best way to answer their questions was with a very simple and matter of fact honest answer that was age appropriate. There is not need to elaborate and ramble on something that is beyond their comprehension. Most of the time they just need a simple answer to their simple questions.
Admit that You Don’t Have All the Answers
Only God is all-knowing, so don’t be afraid to admit that you are not. If you don’t know the answer to a question, it’s okay to humbly admit that to your children. This allows them to see your humanness.
Allow Children to React and Respond in their Own Way
Just as adults all grieve in their own way, so do children. There is no right or wrong in how to react and respond to death or other hard situations. Avoid comparing or placing unrealistic expectations on their reactions.
One of our girls had lots of questions about her Uncle, especially as understood that his condition was getting worse and when he passed away. When we told her the news of his death, she responded with tears, sobbing into her daddy’s neck because she grieved that she wouldn’t be able to see him again.
Her sister didn’t have as many questions, not because she didn’t understand, but maybe because she understood better than anyone else. When we told her the news of her uncle’s death, she didn’t cry. In fact she thought of it as a “happy” time because she knew he was in heaven. She didn’t grieve that she wouldn’t be able to see him again, because in her mind, she is going to see him again, in heaven.
I also recommend this resource from Focus on the Family on How to Help Your Child Grieve.
Have you faced a similar situation with your children?
How did you handle it? Is there anything that you would do differently?
Jennifer Scruggs says
Living with someone who is terminally ill provides many opportunities to talk with our children about death, dying, heaven, sickness, joy, and prayers. For the first two years we lived here, The kids and I would take flowers to paw-paws grave every 3 months or so (This was VERY important to Lilly, but she was unable to do it herself). My kids came to understand we were not putting flowers there for paw-paw– he wasn’t there. The things that made him, HIM, were now in Heaven, in a new body. This place we brought flowers was just a grave, a place to come and remember him. They asked alot of questions about all of this, which I answered the way you described– simply, honestly, and postively.
Lilly has been on hospice for 15 months, and while the kids don’t realize what that means (they just know a nurse and “bath lady” come to see Lilly) They are aware that she is sick and that she is not getting better. Lilly complains and asks “why” ALL.THE.TIME– and this has given me MANY opportunities to talk to the kids about joy no matter what your circumstances, and the futility of a complaining spirit.
One neat side effect, is that in thier play, the kids pretend they are in heaven and imagine all the things they’ll be able to do with their “new bodies”. It’s kind of sweet. I hope that as they grow, they will find comfort in the SURENESS of Heaven, and will not fear death– for themselves for those they love. All the talk of heaven and dying have given me great opportunities to talk about the gospel with my kids. I pray God will continue to use these truths in their hearts to make them ready to seek Him for their peersonal salvation one day soon.
Monica says
I know this time has been a struggle for you, Jennifer, but the experiences that your children are going to take away from this time are incredible. You have faithfully served and given so much! I love that you have taken the negatives in your situation and used them for spiritual growth in your children.
I will be praying along with you that God will continue to use this time and the truths of the gospel that you are teaching them every day to make them ready for His salvation.