I came away from the homeschool convention that we attended last month feeling like a changed mama.
It wasn’t the curriculum I browsed, the educational theories, or the different homeschool methods I learned about that made this difference.
For me, the experience of letting the wisdom of parents who shared their failures, the grace of God through those failures, and their new found freedom in parenting that made the biggest impact in my life.
The statement that resonated with me throughout everything that I learned was, “The best discipline in life is self-discipline.”
This was in a workshop on calm parenting.
I have desired to be that kind of parent, one with a calm demeanor and a stress-free home that is filled with peace.
Sadly, that is not the kind of parent I have been.
Oh, I probably look like it on the outside and to the common observer to me and my children.
We can put on a good show.
But putting on a good show I not what I want for myself of my family.
I have struggled with anger, with stress, with anxiety, and impatience, especially when it comes to parenting one little boy who is a bit strong willed and difficult.
Guilt has consumed me.
The week before we attended the Great Homeschool Convention in SC, was one of the most stressful times I can remember in our home. There was fighting, yelling, and lots of tears.
I needed something to make a difference for me and for our family and it wasn’t going to be curriculum.
So, I determined to soak up every bit of parenting wisdom I could in the relatively few hours that I had during the weekend.
The three sessions that I got the most out of were, “10 Secrets to a Stress-Free Home”, “Discipline that Works when Consequences and Time Outs Don’t” (both led by Kirk Martin of Calm Christian Parenting) and “Raise them Up, Don’t Crush Them Down” led by Mark Hamby of Lamplighter Ministries.
Here are some bits of wisdom that I gleamed from these sessions…
It is impossible to control the behavior of another human being.
I cannot control the behavior of my children. They will make their own choices and there will be consequences to those choices. I can only control my own behavior and how I react to them.
Discipline is something you do for your kids not to your kids.
Discipline is not a bad thing, nor is is a dirty word. It isn’t done to punish or to get revenge for bad behavior. Discipline is something that we, as parents, do for our children, to shape them into responsible people.
Vision in the home
Dads who can control their own behavior and emotions, moms who are confident in their parenting, and kids in our homes who can control their own behavior and emotions.
You don’t get to determine my mood…I do.
We provoke our kids more than we think. We expect a 4 year old to calm down when they’re upset when we can’t.
Sometimes humility in a parent is the most powerful tool.
One of the best things I’ve ever done as a parent is to humbly go to my children and apologize when I have hurt them and have neglected to control my own behavior. This one act has done so much for building and repairing relationships with my children.
Kids want our intensity. And we tend to give it to them negatively. Praise your kids with intensity.
We’re really good at being intense with our discipline when we get frustrated, yell, and basically lose control. Sometimes we’re just giving our children what they want, but in a very negative way. Instead, learn to praise your children with the same and maybe even more intensity. Give them what their hearts desire in a positive way.
Instead of telling them what not to do, give them something to do.
When my little ones are getting into things or doing things that they should not be getting into and doing instead of constantly telling them, “stop!” and “no” or “don’t do that!”, I’ve changed my response to “here do this” or “do that instead”. This has made a difference in their response and has eliminated a lot of my frustrations.
Don’t strive for perfection in your children. Let them see you grasping for grace everyday.
This goes along with having humility as a parent. Let them see you fail and struggle. It is so important to live transparent lives, even before our children.
If you’re not reaching the heart, it’s all for naught.
My goal as a parent is not to create rule followers, but to develop my children’s heart. To reach their hearts not just for obedience to me, but to reach them for Christ.
Our children need to see our compassions that are new every morning towards them just like God’s towards us.
I fail every single day and rely on God’s grace and compassion towards me that is new every single morning. Shouldn’t our children receive the same from us? It may be the only way they will learn of God’s grace and compassion towards them.
I am going to end with a quote from Mark Hamby that really sums up what God was speaking to my heart,
“Our children need to see grace demonstrated in our lives on a daily basis. Realize that you have been given something free yourself. Parenting is about sacrifice, humility, brokenness. Just remember one thing…Jesus said, ‘I’ll be with you. I’ll be with you always.’ Our children need to hear this from us, with outstretched arms.”
When I signed up to attend my first homeschool conference I didn’t expect to walk away a better mom. I expected to browse curriculum and learn methods of teaching, but not parenting.
I am so thankful that God knew exactly what I needed and He provided so abundantly.
Life hasn’t been a piece of cake since we’ve come home a month ago, but I can see definite improvement.
Our home is much less stressful because I am constantly reminding myself that the best discipline in life, and thus, in our home is self-discipline…my own self-discipline.
I am developing a relationship with all of my children, but especially my little boy through showing him grace, compassion, love and being humble before him as I parent relying on God’s grace towards me.
Mary says
This hit my heart, Monica. I struggle with patience and being graceful every day.
Your honest post is what I needed today. 🙂
Monica says
I’m so glad that this spoke to you, Mary!
Lisa says
Thank you so much for opening my eyes to something I have been ignoring for way too long. I really have been a slacker mom and slacker teacher. But your post has given me the inspiration to begin to change, and hopefully it’s not too late!
Monica says
I’ll be praying for you as you begin to change. Sometimes the hardest part is just taking the first step.
Jodi says
Thanks so much. I so needed to hear this. I have a strong willed son also. I sometimes feel like a failure and have so much guilt. Thanks for opening my eyes. I hope I can become self disciplined to help change things I can change. I want to motivate and build my kids up, not tear them now. Thanks so much.
Monica says
That’s exactly what I want to do… motivate and build them up!
Jennifer Scruggs says
Great post Monica!
I’ve been subbing in a middle school resource room, and even though it’s at the same school as my kids, I have to work after they have been dismissed. So, they come into my classroom, during my most challenging class (do you remember how middle school boys interact with each other??? ;). I find myself so far gone in MY mood and MY emotions, and it’s so hard once we get home to sift gears— this post applies SO WELL to my teaching and my parenting. 🙂
My boy is my challenge too– Nathan is very emotional and therefore it is twice as important for me to be in control of myself, because he is easily angered and struggles with holding grudges.
On another note, I am working on focusing on the POSITIVE aspects of his strong emotional self—- How God can shape these qualities as he grows into a man who is empathetic, yet a strong decision maker who keeps his committments and is a loyal friend, employee, and spouse. It helps me to keep the “end” in mind— when the details in front of me can be SO overwhelming!!!
I haven’t rambled on your comments in awhile. 😉 I guess I was due. 🙂
Love your guts!!!
Jenn
Monica says
I think so much of parenting relates to teaching, especially if you have a heart to truly make a difference with the kids in your classroom. Yes, I remember well how middle school boys interact with each other…too well!
Nathan and Will sound a lot alike. Will is very emotional and I think a lot of times he needs me to allow him the time to express his emotions and teach him how to properly do that.
I love how you’re focusing on the positives of him being emotional. I need to do a better job of that and have a more long-term, eternal perspective.
Kaycee says
Thank you for your transparency with the above. I admire you for that. Sometimes we beat ourselves up so bad as moms and we have to realize we are human just like our husband and children are. I have a VERY strong willed little boy-but boy does God have a plan for his life. I hold the keys to bringing out God’s gifts in him (even though he is completely different from what I “think” he should be). Keep pressing on towards the goal ahead of you (me). God is there with you!!!
Monica says
I love what you said about holding the keys to bringing out god’s gifts in your son. I’m going to remember that.
Yes, God is right there with is and I am so very thankful for that!
nicole says
Thank you for sharing this! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what needs to change in our home. There is way too much yelling and not enough laughing. This is what I needed to read today.
Monica says
I’m glad it spoke to you, Nicole. There hasn’t been enough laughing in our home either, and I really want to change that.