One of our goals for our children is for them to be content with who they are. I desire for my children to grow up to be confident individuals who are comfortable in their own skin.
This has been something that I have struggled with myself, especially as a youth, and have recently (as in the last few years) really attained this place of contentment and satisfaction with being the person that God has created me to be.
Recently, I have noticed a character trait in Will that has garnered quite a bit of criticism from others.
This is not a bad character trait, and is one that was quite possibly inherited from his mama.
At first, I struggled with this….I wanted to change him. I don’t want him to struggle to be accepted because of something in his personality that is different from the norm and is challenged.
But after a lengthy conversation with my husband, I am more aware that this is a part of who he is and as his mom it is my job, my calling, to accept him and to be his champion.
The “flaw” in our personalities that is in question is that of being quiet and shy, of not talking.
Several weeks ago, Will’s AWANA teacher pulled me aside when I came to pick him up and asked me if he talked at home. I responded that, yes, of course he did. Believe me, he talks all the time!
She said that she was concerned because he did not talk in class.
As we stood there, I tried several times to get him to talk to her and he wouldn’t do it.
It was apparent that he was uncomfortable.
I’ve been asked this same question twice more by the same teacher now. I think her first concerns were that he possibly was delayed, maybe autistic, if he didn’t or couldn’t talk at all.
But that isn’t the case.
He’s in a room full of active two year olds and he is shy.
It’s hard for him to speak up in a crowd.
And even harder to speak up when pressure is applied.
On Sunday when I picked Will up from nursery at chapel, his teacher was obviously frustrated with him for the same reason…he wouldn’t talk.
He wasn’t misbehaving.
He wasn’t hurting other children.
He wasn’t being demanding or impossible to deal with.
He simply just wouldn’t talk.
Because he wouldn’t talk when she pressured him to do so, he missed out on snacks Sunday morning.
She talked about how stubborn he must be.
I felt self-conscious and instead of championing for him, I tried even harder to get him to talk.
He clammed up.
In the car I asked him about it and told him he needed to talk to his teachers. His response….”But Mommy, I can’t!”
My heart is breaking for him even as I am writing this all down.
I remember experiencing some of the exact criticisms as a child and feeling the same way, especially when pressured.
I never ever got in trouble in school.
I brought home report cards with great grades, often with straight A’s.
But there would almost always be the same comment filled in those report cards by my teachers.
“Monica won’t talk in class.”
“Monica needs to speak up.”
“Monica doesn’t talk.”
It wasn’t that I couldn’t talk or wouldn’t talk because I was trying to be stubborn or rude.
I simply had and still have a quiet spirit.
I’m a bit shy in a crowd and don’t want to attract undue attention.
And applying pressure doesn’t help to get the words flowing at all. In fact, it makes it worse.
I didn’t only struggle with this in childhood, I struggled with it as a young adult, especially in dating relationships.
People are uncomfortable with quietness, with silence and I felt terrible for making others uncomfortable.
But at the same time, no amount of pressure or coercion would make me who I wasn’t created to be.
I wasn’t created to be the life of the party.
The person that’s going to talk your ears off.
I was created to be me….
And the same goes for my children.
The same goes for Will….
No longer am I going to pressure him to be someone or something that he is not.
He is not going to be loud and boisterous in a group unless he is completely comfortable in that group.
And that’s okay.
He may not answer your question when he is put on the spot.
And that’s okay.
And, as his mommy, I’m going to let him know that it’s okay.
I’m going to let him know that God created him special and unique.
I’m going to let him know that his sweet, quiet spirit is beautiful to the Lord and to his Mommy and Daddy.
I’m going to let him know that I cherish him just the way he his and I will never ever ask him to change to meet another person’s standard.
Have you ever struggled with a character or personality trait that has been passed on to your children?
Have you learned to be your child’s champion and encourager?
Isaiah 30:15 “…In quietness and confidence shall be your strength…”
Cilla says
My 5 year old is very similar.. and thank you for writing this… and being an encouragement that, yes, this is OK to be quiet, to not wish to speak in a large group, or in front of someone new. I’m so keen for my son to ‘fit in’ and to be ‘the best’ (I’m highly academically competitive, which is a trait that is NOT so much to be encouraged I don’t think!).
Thank you for giving me courage to accept my son for who HE is.
.-= Cilla´s last blog ..Rash =-.
Homegrown Strawberries says
Oh Monica! Good for you! I am so glad you are able to see that. Champion him. That is the best thing you can do. Love him openly so that he can see it in front of others. it is my prayer that I can do the same for my children.
.-= Homegrown Strawberries´s last blog ..Hello Good bye =-.
Dena Dyer says
Monica, thanks for sharing this. We do need to tell our kids it’s okay to be themselves, even if they don’t fit a certain “mold.” 🙂
.-= Dena Dyer´s last blog ..What’s Your Best Mom Moment? (Win a Prize Pack!) =-.
sheri montgomery says
monica, you are a blessing! i totally enjoyed peering into your soul as you wrote about will. you are an awesome woman of God, and a fantastic mom! i sure miss you.
Michelle says
I am just about in tears over this for your son and YOU! A child should never be punished for being quiet. I was always a quiet child in crowds as they were very overwhelming to me. I can really sympathize with the little guy!
Some of the people in my life that I admire the most are also very quiet and gentle.
If a Sunday School teacher or any other kind of teacher cannot accept and appreciate this quality in your son, then I would no longer subject him to that teacher’s unreasonable expectations. (Just my opinion and what I have personally done in the past)
Not getting a snack for being quiet or shy?! My goodness.
I use to be a Sunday School teacher of little ones and I never believed in forcing them to respond to me in that manner. (Especially if they are only two or three years old!) Respect and trust are things that a teacher has to earn by being kind and gentle.
Most quiet and shy children will respond positively to such a teacher and open up a lot more than they would around a forceful and demanding one.
Even if he doesn’t though, it is a quality that many teachers appreciate in a room full of noisy children!
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Cookie Dough Ice Cream =-.
Tanya says
A quiet spirit is a beautiful thing! As a former teacher and current sunday school teacher, I always appreciate that gentle students that seem to be watching, taking it all in. My daughter is pretty quiet until she is comfortable with a situation. This year, in second grade, seems to be the first year that she has become a little more outgoing.
I went on a mother-daughter retreat recently, and one thing that the speaker said really stuck with me. Our job as parents is to help our children discover who they are, help them like who they are, and then let them BE who they are. I am constantly reminding myself of this!
Muthering Heights says
Wow, I can’t imagine a child getting in trouble for not talking!!!!!
Poor guy. I’m sure the pressure makes him nervous! 🙁
Mindy M says
My son is an introvert. Now at 17 he says he has outgrown his shyness, but he still is an introvert. According to the books I’ve read, an introvert draws strength from being alone and an extrovert draws strength from other people. From the time he was young he needed time alone to think and process, away from his noisy siblings. He gets burned out quickly from social activities. This is opposite of his very social, active, extrovert sister who thrives in crowds.
I love going places in the car with my son because I don’t feel the pressure to keep up a conversation. We can sit quietly and enjoy each others company. I found that if I can keep silent long enough, he will speak. I listen carefully because his precious words are from the heart.
.-= Mindy M´s last blog ..Rhubarb =-.
Jennifer Scruggs says
Precious Will! Rachel has a little friend that is quiet like that. SHe’s been to play at our house and we’ve been over to hers several times, and I think she’s said 5 words to me TOTAL in the last 2 yrs. 🙂 I just keep telling her hello and asking her questions, and tickling her just as if she chattered to me like Rachel’s other little friends. 🙂 I hope you will have the courage (since it will be out of your comfort zone) to speak directly to these teachers about doing just what you are determined to do— love and accept Will for who he IS and ask them specifically to please not try and force him to talk. They should respond positively to this– and it will take the stress off for you and Will in the future. 🙂 I am praying for you and your shy boy! Enjoy your last few weeks of hiatus from dish duty. 🙂 The reward of being a SHORT pregnant lady. 😉 Love ya, friend!!! 🙂
Maggie Mae says
Oh Monica – I totally get this post. And good for you for letting Will be Will. My hubby and I were both painfully quiet children in school, never wanting to draw attention to ourselves. My Olivia is the same way… extraordinarily quiet. Perhaps the upside is she, and I, never stop talking in our outside of school lives. Hubby still doesn’t talk much… LOL. We will each be who we are…. just as you said.
.-= Maggie Mae´s last blog ..TGIF and Other Thankful Thoughts =-.
Jessica Jennings says
Monica thanks for this post!! My heart ached for Will as I read this for I know how sweet of a little boy he is and he can definitely talk! I think some teachers need to realize that some children are going to be shy and let them break out of their shell on their own because putting pressure on them makes it worse. Troys last day of school his teacher said that he just needs to work on his communication and a parent made the comment that he needed to speak up. I think as a parent we just want our kids to fit in and I feel that some comments can make you feel as though your being judged as a parent. I really know where your coming from with this post! Give Will,EA,and MC a hug and kiss for me!
Jamie says
My 7 year old daughter has a social phobia with selective mutism.She does not talk in public.
It’s not that she is unable to talk,it’s not that she is being willful or stubborn it’s just that she can’t talk away from her safety zone.
She’s not extremely shy she has a phobia.
I can not imagine any one punishing her for not talking.
From the start we’ve always let people know that she doesn’t talk and everyone has been understanding and let her be who she is.